Transform Your Relationship by Eliminating Negativity and Cultivating Gratitude and Compassion

“You will destroy your relationship unless you stop the unrelenting negative scrutiny of each other.”

Helen Hunt and Harville Hendrix

Are you constantly aware of your partner’s flaws? Do you often focus on all the ways you were hurt, frustrated and disappointed in this relationship?  Do you predict future unhappiness based on past disappointments?

If you are not sure that this is the case, try, as an experiment, to observe for one day your thoughts, emotions and interactions with your partner. Pay attention to the inner monologue about your partner, notice how you speak to him/her, how you respond to their actions. Take note of the kind of reactions you are getting. Is your partner responsive and open to your comments or are you hitting a stone wall? Or worse, are you finding yourself on the defensive as a result of an angry attack?  How much of your life together is marked by negativity? If you discover that negativity has become a big part of your relationship; it’s time for a change. Time to roll up your sleeves and start the work of transforming your relationship.

But why should I change my attitude, you may ask: my partner’s shortcoming are real and I’m hurting. Furthermore, if I don’t point out the problems, how can things get better between us? These are valid questions. Yes, dissolving conflict and deepening connection will require the hard work of facing together the difficulties and resolving to do better. To be better. To show up in our relationship in the best way we can. But this kind of change can only happen in the context of safety. And negativity destroys that safety. When we expect to be criticized, belittled, ignored or attacked we put our guard up. We can’t afford to expose our vulnerabilities. As a result, our attention and energy go into defending ourselves. For some of us, the best defence is a good offence. For others, safety is in shutting down and disconnecting physically or emotionally. And so together, we get trapped in a destructive pattern:  a cycle of attack and defend or pursue and withdraw. These cycles tend to get a life of their own leaving us weary and discouraged.

So if the cycle you are stuck in got you feeling worn down and hopeless, commit to experimenting with eliminating negativity. The first step may be just noticing what is going on without trying to change anything. You may need some props here, like writing in a journal or doing a daily check-in with your partner. Observe how your negativity affects the quality of your interactions with your partner. Notice how it impacts your mood. Then, try doing something different. Any change, even the smallest one, will interrupt the cycle.

When moving away from negativity, you may notice that you are shifting from negative to neutral rather than positive. It may feel strange; almost as if you stopped caring. But don’t be concerned – this is just a transition out of intense negativity, anger and fear. There is a part of you, that wants to be cautious in case the changes don’t last and you will be disappointed. To bring back the sense of safety and warmth you once shared, design another experiment: bring the practice of gratitude and appreciation into your relationship and allow it to do its transformative work.

A lot has been written lately about the life-transforming power of gratitude. Keeping a gratitude journal has been found to be a useful tool in overcoming depression, anxiety, stress and overwhelm. When gratitude is expressed in relationships it creates a climate of emotional safety and contentment. So, introduce this ritual into your daily routine: promise each other to end each day with an expression of appreciation for something your partner did or said that day. Express gratitude for some contribution to the quality of your life together, no matter how small. Did he shovel the snow at the crack of dawn? Did she put fresh sheets on the bed? Or you could acknowledge some aspect of their personality that you find pleasing or that you admire. Try to find a new appreciation each day. This will make you observe each other for qualities and actions you like and to put them into words. In effect, you’ll be trying to “catch them doing something good”. And then watch what happens.

Negativity is a habit and like all habits it may be hard to break. So don’t be hard on yourself when find yourself slipping into the old patterns. Show compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that these habits had served some protective and useful function for you. But that was in the past. Now, you know different ways of staying safe and staying connected to your partner and so it’s safe to let go of the old ways of thinking and behaving. Being kind, gentle and forgiving towards yourself will allow you to extend the same kindness and compassion to your partner, your children, your friends.

The work of eliminating negativity from your relationship may put you in touch with your negativity towards yourself. You can let that go too. Like most people, you have been struggling with life’s challenges with the resources that were available to you. Recognize the critical voice in your head and talk back to it with the message of self-compassion. Then call on Compassionate Accountability. It goes something like this:

Your Inner Critic: You did mess up big time. I’m afraid you’re just a hopeless case

Self - Compassion: Yep, you did mess up and it shows that you are human as we all make mistakes

Compassionate Accountability: Now, let’s look at the lessons we learned here so we can move forward in a more productive way.

Replacing negativity with compassion towards yourself and your partner is hard work. So why should we do it? Think of this stark reminder from authors Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt: “Why do you wear seatbelts while driving a car?”

Answer: “So you won’t die”. It’s the same answer for eliminating negativity. You have to stop or your love will die.